Olympic Parenting

    If parenting was an Olympic sport what events would we be watching on television this week? Which do you think you would be best qualified to compete in (and potentially win the gold)? Which do you think would be the funnest to watch (hey, its always funner WATCHING another mom trying to hold an active toddler in diaper changing possition than it is participating in the same activity).

   So, I have come up with some events I would love to challenge the Olympians to try:

•  Speed diapering (while keeping hands, furniture and walls feces free)

•  Unidentified flying object ducking (bonus points of they don't get a concussion or black eye)

•  Spilt milk sopping (before a child or pet tracks it throughout the arena)

•  Tantrum diffusing (to be done without actually speeding up time to complete meltdown)

•  Binky seek (would be most entertaining to watch in a toddler-trashed house, and be reminiscent of the old Nickelodeon slime shows...would be even better if they actually added slime)

• The lactation long-shot and the more precision focused event "directional lactation"

AND HEAVYWEIGHT DIVISION EVENTS (dealing with older children)

•  Broken toy tossing (before anyone notices the damage our loss of said toy)

• Fire sniffing (disqualification if the arena gets burnt down)

•  Broken window prevention (there is potential for a baseball event, and a BB gun event here)

Of course there would have to be a parenting Olympic triathlon as well, but instead of events being separated as in spring triathlons this would have to be three events accomplished simultaniously (for realism purposes). So I propose:

• Grocery shopping (without acquiring unlisted items)

• Diaper blowout (sans diaper bag)

• Emergency phone call from teenager (involving one of the following: first love break up, car accident on a learners permit, or call from jail)

So, while I will not be viewing the actual Olympics, I would just LOVE to watch some of those world class athletes try to compete with the acrobatic skills I have seen demonstrated by average everyday mamas.